not born ugly

she became it in the 1^st grade

outcast by her own people

black people, beautiful people

what a shame

she lives in the ugli house

puke brownish

blood reddish

ugly duckling

that's me

(bullied in the 1^st grade at yeah, an all-black school...awful, awful year of my life... ever since then I felt aloof from my own people, I felt like I was never good enough to be with certain Black folk. Internal problem, yes, emotional one, yes. I just knew I didn't fit in – being a nerd who liked to study with funky hair- and I accepted my outcast status. Kicked and punched, on the ground. Still here I am. Standing up now. But on the outside, looking in. Again, again.)

" A heart wounded often enough, turns to stone." So said an infamous woman on TV recently, who I'm not gonna name here.

I find myself incapable of trusting people again. Need to stop that. Yes, some good people out there. Somewhere.

On Memorial Day we went to my grandmother's grave. My momma cried. My aunts cried. I didn't cry. I been sad since she passed away. Yeah. Still, she seems so close to me. I cried for her when she went away. But I don't cry now. Because I feel like she right here for me all the time. I remember all the wise things she told me. They precious in my chest.

It's harder to say goodbye to friends. They are still living, yet feel so far away when they are on the other side of the continent, and soon I will be gone abroad and we will be on two completely different continents, separated by an ocean. As you get older, you notice there are fewer people who really can understand you. It is such a treasure to have someone else you have shared many good memories with, some sad perhaps as well, and know that they will always have your back. And when you have a scarred back from people who have lied to you and betrayed you in the past, besides your heart that is also weeping blood all the time, it is so precious to feel that some people do care.

I do deeply believe that everyone has someone who cares about them, besides of course God. God always loves and he don't care if I ugly or what. My family does try to care for me, but sometimes I feel like I am in icy water and I can't hear them very well. I really like my cat. He is insane, whenever he sees me he throws himself down on the ground like he has seen a queen. He makes me laugh. He likes me a lot. I like to pet him. I want to rub him again soon. But I don't like love bites.