chira_hora's Xanga

The Many Faces of Love... Part One

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 13:57:08 GMT

Dear Xanga Internet Friendlies,

Ugly Duckling is back! Sorry I was gone for some time. I was busy getting my heart broken. That's all over now. It was good for me to have that experience. I can counsel people who are struggling with issues regarding love and marriage with a lot more compassion and understanding than I could previously.

Once again, I have prayed that I wish to renounce marriage and all that romantic stuff for the Kingdom of Heaven. The goals that I have in prayer set up for my life will be very difficult to accomplish as a married woman because married folk have so many obligations and responsibilities within their family.

I am going to start a new series on my blog. This will be titled "The Many Faces of Love." Many of my friends and acquaintances are struggling with issues regarding love and relationships at this time, so I would like to examine this matter as a Christian for the betterment of the Internet community. I have to admit, my perspective is more a scholarly one.

I don't have any experience with romantic relationships. I am naturally a loner and even close friendships can be difficult for me to maintain. With the painful memories of others backstabbing me, it is hard to ever reach a level of trust where I can feel comfortable truly letting down my guard around others. I don't think I am the only one like that out there either. AsOne of the pastors who is my mentor told me recently, "I believe we are a nation of emotionally retarded people, pretending that nothing is wrong."

As I am 31 years now, many friends in the younger set (the up-and-coming generation currently in their 20's) are asking me for advice. Although I don't have first-hand experience, I have seen many other people succeed and fail in issues of love- even within my own family, as my mother is the youngest of 14 kids.

Of course, the first story I tell will be have to be mine. The Apostle Paul, even with all of his vast scholarly knowledge, always spoke first about his own journey to faith. So that is what I would like to do.

In closing, I would like to post an article I (am trying to complete) for a young internet-friend lady giving her advice on this matter. Still haven't finished it yet... arrgh I am such a perfectionist.

So once again I'm planning to update soon. I mean it this time!

Take care everyone~!

I'm not crazy, I had a fever when I thought this.

Sun, 31 May 2009 03:44:06 GMT

not born ugly

she became it in the 1^st grade

outcast by her own people

black people, beautiful people

what a shame

she lives in the ugli house

puke brownish

blood reddish

ugly duckling

that's me

(bullied in the 1^st grade at yeah, an all-black school...awful, awful year of my life... ever since then I felt aloof from my own people, I felt like I was never good enough to be with certain Black folk. Internal problem, yes, emotional one, yes. I just knew I didn't fit in – being a nerd who liked to study with funky hair- and I accepted my outcast status. Kicked and punched, on the ground. Still here I am. Standing up now. But on the outside, looking in. Again, again.)

" A heart wounded often enough, turns to stone." So said an infamous woman on TV recently, who I'm not gonna name here.

I find myself incapable of trusting people again. Need to stop that. Yes, some good people out there. Somewhere.

On Memorial Day we went to my grandmother's grave. My momma cried. My aunts cried. I didn't cry. I been sad since she passed away. Yeah. Still, she seems so close to me. I cried for her when she went away. But I don't cry now. Because I feel like she right here for me all the time. I remember all the wise things she told me. They precious in my chest.

It's harder to say goodbye to friends. They are still living, yet feel so far away when they are on the other side of the continent, and soon I will be gone abroad and we will be on two completely different continents, separated by an ocean. As you get older, you notice there are fewer people who really can understand you. It is such a treasure to have someone else you have shared many good memories with, some sad perhaps as well, and know that they will always have your back. And when you have a scarred back from people who have lied to you and betrayed you in the past, besides your heart that is also weeping blood all the time, it is so precious to feel that some people do care.

I do deeply believe that everyone has someone who cares about them, besides of course God. God always loves and he don't care if I ugly or what. My family does try to care for me, but sometimes I feel like I am in icy water and I can't hear them very well. I really like my cat. He is insane, whenever he sees me he throws himself down on the ground like he has seen a queen. He makes me laugh. He likes me a lot. I like to pet him. I want to rub him again soon. But I don't like love bites.

Sorry Everyone!

Mon, 18 May 2009 16:28:44 GMT

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, ladies and gentlemen.

I am still dedicated to this blog, just it's hard for me to think of something to post here which is not overwhelmingly depressing based on my feelings at the moment. I think I should have something soon though. Hopefully by the end of this week. So thank you everybody who has sent me an encouraging message so far. I'm still here. Planning to do missionary work. Just a lot of setbacks and delays everywhere.

Take care,

Ugly Duckling.

Another parable

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 19:19:50 GMT

My name is The Ugly Duckling.

My entire life, I was talked about, lied to, kicked, and abused. Living didn't seem worth the pain, but I continued breathing because for some reason I felt that I could bring some joy to my mother, who was abandoned by the love of her life.

Last year in October, I thought someone loved me. My heart beat faster than it ever did before. By the end of this August, I realized that everything was smoke and mirrors- nothing more than a misunderstanding. At the bitter end, I was fortunate enough to escape without having my neck wrung, my feathers plucked, and being the cut into pieces to become the ingredient in someone's stew.

I looked at myself, and realized that I was no swan. I remain a nobody with dirty feathers who lives inside of a trash can and who cannot fly.

Are you like me? Are you still searching?

Stop looking for love!

You think you are pursuing a person, but you are actually running in circles. Why don't you stop, stand still, and allow the truth to catch up with you.

Although nobody can see it. . . you are a swan right now.

You are already the Beloved. You are already the chosen one. You are the object of the most perfect love that is possible.

God loves you with a love that does not end, that does not get tired, will not quit, that burns hotter than a thousand suns, and runs deeper than the Marinaras trench.

As for that romantic love . . . of you & me . . . I give up on that.

But I'll never give up on that Agape love of God & me. That's the good stuff.

No matter how poor & pitiful I am, I'll never lose my taste for what is truly beautiful & truly good.

********************************************************************

I've completely despaired of reaching my once-precious goal of befcoming a novelist. Seems I'm too old. Too many things are left half-written. Guess I've stopped believing in myself.

My last post on Xanga I thought was pretty good. Actually it got few hits and was the most unpopular ever. I think six people read it. And I know my work here will never be featured because I mention God here and Xanga hates God.

Still I write. Like a fool.

Happy New Year.

A parable on Christmas Day... blessings to y'all

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 17:04:46 GMT

A recent visitor to my site here (who is not a believer) said "you will never reach me with vague poetic ramblings." Yeah, she did pay me a little compliment by saying that I appeared to be "a nice person." Still, she did insult my writing.

So I want to ask you, dear reader, what do you think? Do you think that my writing is worthless? Am I wasting my time with this blog? Tell me what you think. Should this poor missionary stop dreaming of being a professional writer?

I'm not sure if anyone else here may consider it worthwhile now... anyways, I want to present to you a parable. I wrote recently. It means a lot to me.

How I ended up writing it was unusual too. I was inspired to write it immediately after waking up- almost word for word. However, the first time that I had the inspiration to write it, I was very groggy and sleepy and did not immediately write it. I laid in bed for about another twenty or thirty minutes, but when I reached for my journal I couldn't remember a thing! I was crushed... I thought for sure I had the idea of something great.

That night, before I went to bed, I prayed, "God, I know I screwed up by not immediately jumping up and writing that idea down. Please forgive me and give me that idea over again when I wake up tonight."

And the next night, when I did awaken, I had the idea again. I wrote everything down immediately, with little pause or editing. And that is rare for me, the perfectionist. So I present to you, a parable...

********************************************************************

A knight ventures forth to slay a dragon. As the dragon lives in a cave atop a mountain, the knight straps his sword and his lance to his horse to ride into the nearby forest. That forest, they say, is enchanted.

For seven days and seven nights, he rides in a darkness so thick that he cannot see his hand before his face or his trusty steed. To his surprise, he encounters no enemies. He has no need to touch his sword or lance in the forest. Nevertheless, he realizes that even before he has confronted the dragon, this quest is by far the most challenging one that he has ever encountered.

In the abscence of light, it is the darkness of his own heart that he must battle against. His own fears and his past failures attack him endlessly during his waking hours, and even appear veiled to him in his dreams. With every step forward, he feels like a little more of his courage and strength drains away.

The knight has not yet reached the dragon, so we cannot say if he will succeed or fail at his task. However, as the knight draws near to his destination, two things are clear. The first is that the time spent in preperation to do great things is much more impartant than we can ever know. The second is that the greatest enemy does not come in from outside... the greatest enemy is always within.

********************************************************************

As we prepare to enter the New Year of 2009, I hope that you are thinking of how you can prepare yourself for a good year. What can you do better? What do you need to do differently? How can you help others?

"It is easy to imagine that we will get to a place where we are complete and ready, but preparation is not suddenly accomplished, it is a process steadily maintained." -Oswald Chambers

Merry Christmas and I hope you have good New Year as well for 2009.

Beggars

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 12:51:40 GMT

When I pass someone asking for change on the street, usually I pass them by at first. "This person does not deserve a handout," I often think. Many times after five steps though, I will return to give them a donation- because God has spoken softly to my heart. "Ah, but I have never deserved anything that God has ever given me," I remember.

P.S. Next post will be a parable that I wrote which means a lot to me. It's going to take me a little while to be able to psychologically let go of it for free, but I hope I can do that soon and post it. Yes, I'm poor in part because I give away my writing. But I want maximum folk to read it. If my writing gets good enough, I will publish my novel...

My Thoughts on Romantic Love (part one)

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 10:27:25 GMT

"I'm sorry... I just don't think that I can go out anymore with you."

My brother K received that phone call from his girlfriend L last Saturday. He kind of had been expecting it... but not like this. Let me explain: he's African-American, she is Mexican-American. I feel sorry for the poor girl. Her dad is racist. He's also insane. He is a wife beater and physically abuses his daughters. He even told her once, "You need to find a Mexican man because only a Mexican man knows how to beat his woman the right way." He is so paranoid my bro will meet up with his daughter that he follows her thoughout her day in classes, even sitting in class with her, to make sure that she will not meet up with my bro. He won't believe his daughter when she tells him that K does not even go to that school.... which is true.

So it looks like L's dad has finally succeeded in breaking up my bro K and her up for good. He found a rich Mexican boy who attends their church and has set her up with him. The boy is the pastor's son. Unfortunately, that boy is also a pervert and he has sexually harassed her even inside the church with no shame or remorse. So L's father has set her up with this other boy. She has no way in the world to meet with my brother or even talk to him on the phone, with her father hovering over her like a hawk. So I guess it had to come to this.

My brother knew it was coming, but that fact didn't make it any easier. He wanted to say, "I was just going to say the same thing," but he could not force himself to say anything. He simply gripped the phone tightly and tried not to let the tears fall. He had been going out with L pretty much all thorughout high school, off and on. I think for the most part she was a sweet girl.

In the background, my bro could hear the new boyfriend in the background yelling, "Yeah, this B belongs to me now! Hang up on him now!" The boyfriend also used the N-word.

Obediently, L hung up the phone. Click. My brother never got to say a word.

I don't think she really wants to break up with him. But she knows that she has very little control over her life right now. I think she has always kind of liked my brother because he has big muscles and somehow was also gentle to her and she fantasized that one day he could rescue her from the dominating, depressing, and all-powerful influence of her father over her life.

Well, let me say up front I have no hard feelings for Mexican folk or Hispanic folk or Mexican-American folk or what have you. This is just a true story... of a real family struggling with a lot of serious issues. They are Mexican-American, yeah, but it could easily have been any other racial group.

It led me to think about the details of my own grand heartbreak of the past few months. Yes, trying to love across the color line... it just led me to scars too. The barriers just are too freaking big, the walls too thick and dug deep into the hillside to ever come crumbling down. Not like I ever intended to have feelings like that for someone on the other side of that wall, though... it just kind of happened.

Seems like my friend Dr. Daisuke might have been right. He said that he thinks that romantic love can never approach the grand ideal of the highest love (which C.S. Lewis and I would name agape), because so much of love between man and a woman depends on class, outward looks, job, family, location, etc. He said the highest love that humans have been able to achieve in our family life has been the love of a mother and a child, or between a brother and a sister, because those two loves are the most unconditional. I'm inclined to agree with him. People are very selfish, and perhaps as a general rule no more so than when they are trying to get married. Marry someone richer. Marry someone who looks like a movie star so other people will be jealous of me. Etc. And how many people really consult with God on the matter?

One of my cousins, who lost his mother at an early age, constantly tells me he wants to find a good wife. I think he really sees a wife as someone who will give him direction and inspiration in his life when he feels lost. But he never has prayed to God to ask him to send him a good wife.

I asked him why.

"Well, you know, I ask God for all kinds of stuff all day long. And I feel... y'know... I got this. I can pick out a wife for myself. I know what kind of woman I'm looking for."

*sigh*

No he dosen't. That's the thing... nobody does. Like my grandmother said, "You don't know who you are looking for. Only God knows who it is who would be right for you. So you have to pray to God and ask God to send you the person that you need." That's the truth.

As for me, though, it seems to me that love (at least that romantic love stuff) is a game that I'm sick of playing. I'm done. I'm going to concentrate on the real things that matter in life. I'm going to be a missionary anyways, and I have to focus on what I'm doing because I can't be double-minded and who knows? The ultimate sacrifice may be required of me.

In the meantime, I ask God to heal my brother's broken heart.

Oh and mine too, I guess.

GIVING- Though we be poor and humble

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 11:21:32 GMT

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. At this time, we often talk about THANKS. Not so much about the second part, which is the GIVING. That’s what I’d like to write about today.

I don’t know how the economy is treating you my friends. As for me, my family, and most people I know here in Michigan, we don’t have much money. The truth is that here in Michigan, we have been living in a recession for years longer than the rest of the country.

Despite my education, I don’t have a job currently. Yes, I have made many honest efforts to look for one. Sometimes I secretly skip meals in an effort to save money. My brothers sometimes go without pills they should take because they are expensive. I have to admit, I wish the holidays were not around the corner because I am certainly in no position now to shower the people around me with expensive presents to thank them for all that they have done in my life. I don’t think I’m alone in such thoughts.

However, I sat down a few weeks ago to write out a few miniscule checks to a few charities when I to my surprise discovered a little stash of money. I felt embarrassed, because the amount I was able to give was probably not even worth the cost of the paper used to print out the check. Still, I was happy to be able to help someone else out. Like someone once told me in our neighborhood, “Even a $1 donation is a donation. It will help.”

Well, why bother? Why give?

Everything that we do influences others.

Want proof?

Take a deep breath. Hold it for a minute. The air that you just inhaled contains at least three nitrogen atoms which were breathed by EVERY human being who ever lived. . . Literally a portion of that same air was inhaled by Jesus Christ, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Theresa, Leonardo Da Vinci and even Hitler. . . Everybody! It also included at least three nitrogen atoms which were breathed by all of the dinosaurs during the ancient days when our Earth was young.

Every living creature is connected with every other living thing on earth. Even a small action can have consequences for centuries to come and for generations yet unborn.

Consider one of the villains of history- Adolf Hitler. He is responsible for the deaths of millions of innocent people. He had a troubled childhood, marked by a father who was violent towards both him and his mother. But what if he had experienced more kindness from the people around him during his formative years- from a neighbor or a teacher perhaps? Just imagine how different the world we live in today would be if he had succeeded in his youthful quest to become a painter instead of failing at that and then becoming a tyrannical dictator. What if one more person had encouraged him and supported him when his dream was simply to attend the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna? The world we live in today would be markedly different.

Everything you do will affect other people. We are all connected. So let’s do our best to affect others for good!

What do we spend our money on now? Last year, Americans spent $8.4 billion to see movies, $13 billion to buy chocolate, and $58 billion on soft drinks. And how much did we give to missions activities? Only $2.9 billion. Ouch.

We don’t have good priorities. And I speak for myself as well. I know I can do better. We think: Self first. Others last. But Jesus told us to consider the needs of others. “Love your neighbor as yourself,” He says in Matthew 22:39.

Times are hard, yah. Many people’s retirement savings has disappeared into thin air. But they can’t worry about that because they are losing their house, can’t afford as much food as before due to rising food costs, and are not sure they will even keep their job because so many people are being laid off at this time. Still… where is the best place to invest our money? God promises us that if we give to the poor, he will reward us. And there is no better guarantee of a return on our money anywhere, I’m sure… other than the All-Powerful Creator of the Universe (who never lies) promising that he will see and reward us when we give to others.

In 1933 at the depth of the Great Depression, Christians gave 3.2% of their income to Gospel ministries. In 2004, when Americans were 555% richer after taxes and inflation, they gave only 2.54% to the Lord’s work. This year the percentage is even lower.

What is wrong with us as a people?

America didn’t become great by being selfish and greedy. But increasingly I see that we are becoming that way, to the detriment of our own nation.

Even if you are poor and (like me) humble, let us give to others and share with others whatever we have- not just during the holiday season, but everyday. :et’s also remember that giving does not always have to be financial. Maybe you don’t have any money. But let’s say that you can cook or bake. You can give some home-cooked baked goods to a neighbor, a friend, or someone in need. Be creative. Think outside of the box. Everybody has some gift or talent.

I had a homeless friend Kimi in Japan who would sometimes bring me gifts of some flowers or plants that she had picked for me along the road. I appreciated them, because I sure did not have time to go and do something like that. Heh heh.

So then, it’s obvious what we should do, isn’t it? LET’S GIVE!!! YAY!!!

Blessings and peace unto you my friend.

Thank you for all the giving that you have done and that you will do.

[Facts and Figures: from "What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women" by Dr. James Dobson (I know this seems random, but I just happened to find this book in my grandmother's room recently and opened it up to the page with the facts on it- only God can do that) also from Compassion Radio Donation letter dated August 2008- you can give to them at www.compassionradio.com, they do a lotta good work, believe me!!]

It's a new day.

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:16:51 GMT

I woke up this morning and I felt more at peace, rested, and content than I have felt for the past three or four months at least, and most likely even longer than that. I want to thank everyone who has been praying for me during these times. Hopefully post again soon. Blessings to y'all!!!

Struggling to Heal

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 16:49:09 GMT

"God's will is for us to be whole and to experience healing for the wounding we experience in our daily life."

My counselor gave me those great words of wisdom today.

From age 8 until I left my home for college, I grew up in an abusive environment and I suppose I will struggle for the rest of my life to receive healing for the deep scars that are on my heart, mind, and soul because of it.

It's nice to be reminded that God is in our corner and cares about us.

I still don't feel like I deserve to be happy or loved. But God loves me anyways. That's amazing. He loves us all. . .